The Violence of Workplace Retaliation
How one retaliatory performance review made me choose violence, too…
His strong, husky form was bent over the toilet cleaning while I wasted my Friday night finishing up my refutation of an abomination they considered a performance review. I’d pretreated everything with cleanser, but I was still stuck in front of my work laptop, releasing the last of the vitriol and disdain I had left in my body out in written form. What did I do next? I snapped at my precious husband who’d decided to help me clean before he started his long shift… And I snapped at him.
He just wanted to help, and I snapped at him.
Within five minutes of hitting submit on this bullshit performance review, I went to continue my chores, and instead of seeing a kind, selfless gesture, I saw further incursion. Just as quickly (after churlishly chasing my beautiful person away), I snapped out of it, the shame and realization washed over me with the force of a rogue wave. What had I done?
It didn’t even make sense when I stopped to think about why I was really angry. My husband helping me is so very welcome and appreciated. He was being kind and sweet, and this gentle soul did not deserve such a gruff response. I really just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I did the only right thing, and I apologized. Then I did the rootwork I needed to do in order to truly understand what truly angered me.
It was that ridiculous performance review. After weeks of incompetence and apologist bullshit from Human Resources (HR), I was finally told that, though they’d not punish the two idiots responsible, I would be able to put a disclaimer naming the perpetrators, and share that I filed a grievance against them. In that grievance, HR agreed with me, recommending further training for my former department leads.
Since my former supervisor, and the battery in her back (the department head) were stupid enough to land themselves a grievance in the first place, I should have expected such stupidity to be a perpetual ailment for these two women. White supremacy and piss poor leadership skills is a terrible combination, and one that often leads to a human rights complaint — which I filed promptly after I snapped at my husband. Damn them.
Ultimately, I needed to process my anger and let it go. Were these two racist cows absolute morons? Yes. Was I retaliated against and had a right to be angry? Yes! However, dwelling on it when I’d handled it the best way anyone could was an incursion that I would not tolerate. I deserved better and so did my family.
After I apologized to my husband, I immediately resolved to let any mention of the matter die before it even leapt off the tongue of the next person to say anything about it. I was done… So was any further acknowledgment of the existence of the two dogs who started this entire fiasco in the first place.
When they email me regarding a professional matter, they are ignored. We are not on the same team, and I refuse to acknowledge their pathetic and puny existence unless absolutely necessary. So, I don’t. While I believe in forgiveness as a Christian, reconciliation does not come with it, so there’s nothing we need to talk about, and there’s nothing I ever want to hear them say.
All access to me died the minute I snapped at my husband, and I will never let them have it again.
